Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Oh no, THEY found me in Japan, too.

Have you ever noticed that when you strike out on a new direction in your life there are people you interact with that have suddenly become experts in the matter? And more often than not THEY also simultaneously exhibit the most obvious symptoms of stupidity. And to make things worse (as if it were possible) THEY think that the "information" they possess is of the utmost importance to you and you need to know it NOW! We're all blessed with at least one person like that, some of us with more than one and thanks to modern technology THEY don't even have to be on the same continent as you. THEY are everywhere.

I'm not talking about people with awkward social skills that are curious and want to learn more about a situation. You can usually tell those people out by the way they say things and their body language during the conversation. I'm talking about those who like to "stir the pot" or "lob a grenade" and then retreat into their smugness. THEY should have a tattoo on their forehead that says I'M TOXIC!

I must have a personality type that attracts people like this. My wife and I have adopted from China twice and have two of the most incredible girls on the face of the planet as a result (in addition to our three pretty cool "homegrown" boys). But during the adoption process THEY came out of the woodwork.

"You know they limit the children you can have in China."

"You know they kill babies in China."

And my favorite...

"You know they're programmed so when you bring them home they'll eventually go bad."

No kidding, I was actually told that once. In the long months it took to complete the paperwork portion of the adoption I had learned a thing or two about Chinese culture. I read books on the subject, attended Chinese-American social events and talked to people deeply involved in the social workings of the international adoption community so yes, I knew many things about China. But now Fred and Ethel (no offense to the decent Fred and Ethels of the world) have become "experts" on the matter and want to "fill me in so I'll know the truth". Feel free to chuckle and/or sigh at this point.

When you decide to go against Conventional Wisdom by taking control over what you feed your body and begin to grab life by the short hairs THEY WILL COME OUT! People you have never seen eat anything healthier than a frozen burrito will suddenly want to tell you that he notices you're not eating the same thing he is.

"That sure looks fatty. You'll get fat eating that."

"Are you doing that caveman thing? Cavemen died at like 30 years old."

"People who don't eat noodles die soon." Yes, THEY speak all kinds of languages and sometimes require an interpreter to get their point across. Lucky me.

Not the Anti-Christ they're just noodles
So what do you do? Part of me (and sadly a rather large snarky part of me) wants to just tear them apart. I have put a LOT of research into making these changes in my life. A LOT. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night as if I'd had a horrifying dream and screamed my revelation that "NOODLES ARE THE ANTICHRIST!!!!!" I took my training as a former Registered Nurse and actually dug into the claims made by people in their books and on their blogs. Through that process I found out that indeed there is a growing body of research about the Conventional Wisdom of food we all know as "truth" that shows much of what we've been taught isn't necessarily the whole enchilada. But you have to seek it out.

So I've perfected the use of the non-committal head nod. When THEY are learnin' me on something veeeerrrrrrry important about a change I've made in my life I gently nod while throwing in the occasional eyebrow arching or an "Mmmmmhmmmm" to show I'm listening. Often that works. I come out of it looking like the polite gentleman my Momma raised me to be and I end up putting their stupidity in a blog post for all to see. But sometimes THEY send you someone who's a special kind of stupid.

I was standing in line with one of the girls many years ago and this lady behind me was being annoying as hell. Not just to me but to everyone within a 50-foot radius. The line was moving too slow, the prices were too high, can you believe Madonna was wearing THAT at the awards, that kind of crap. It just went on and on and on. She started playing with my child who wanted no part of her so I picked my lovely girl up to hold her but the lady just kept on. As I was holding her THEY peeked around my shoulder and saw that I was obviously not of Asian background (I'm a big hairy Irish-American guy) and blurts out in a rather condescending tone:

"Oh, her mother must be Oriental. What does she look like?"

"I don't know, I never saw her face."

Ah, the sound of silence.


  1. So I think my kids were programmed to go bad too!
    Stick to what you believe and don't worry about THEM!

  2. I cannot NOT stop laughing!!!

  3. i still get similar questions. to "so was their father chinese?" my response was "i have no idea!"